Archive for Relationships

Did we break them? Shit, I think we broke them…

Posted in Polyamory with tags , , on March 2, 2017 by michella74

We met The Gentleman and The Belle two years ago at a convention. I remember how attractive I found them both and how attracted The Biker was to The Belle. We talked about them often that weekend, QUITE OFTEN. *wink* Sadly, they seemed to be pretty damn monogamous, so we decided not to push. I’m terrible at flirting anyway and can never tell when someone is just being nice vs. trying to get into my knickers. The Biker was his standard type of flirty which involves a little bit of pushing, until he realizes his intended target isn’t going for it. But I digress. They were both fun and we enjoyed talking to them, so being nothing more than friends was perfectly fine with the two of us. And so, for the past two years, we’ve gotten to know them a little better online (since they live 9 hours from us) and were looking forward to seeing them and several other friends again at the convention this year.

The weekend started out a bit rough due to some miscommunication between The Biker and I. I will admit that part of the problem was that I felt ignored. (See, there are problems sometimes in poly relationships.) The Biker was just as happy to see The Belle as I was, and he was doing his best to show her. The Gentleman was – well – being a Gentleman and as I said, I’m terrible at flirting. I was feeling like a bit of an afterthought on The Biker’s part and that never ends well, so we spent most of Saturday working through that. However, by that afternoon, all was right in our world and we geared up for an evening of revelry.

It began with the offer of a bourbon I’ve been wanting to try for some time. The Gentleman has a love for Spirits and had picked up on my shared affection. He happened to mention that he had a bottle of bourbon in his room that I’d been wanting to try, and when my eyes lit up, he offered to go retrieve a drink for me. I was curious when he asked The Biker to accompany him on this drink run, but assumed an extra pair of hands was needed. They were gone much longer than they needed to be, which left The Belle and I together making small-talk with a few other friends. When The Biker returned, I could tell by the smirk on his face that he had information to share with me. He sat down, leaned close, and whispered that The Gentleman had been kicking himself for not acting upon his desires the night before. Then he added that I should expect that mistake to be rectified in the next few hours. *swoon*
Even though I’m terrible at it, I love the flirting stage. That initial rush of nervous energy is intoxicating.  You’re trying to decipher how the other person feels and you realize that they feel the same way. Those first nervous touches, holding eye contact just a little too long and wiling the other person to pick up on the wanton thoughts in your head. The mischievous grins, the winks, the playful teasing; all leading to that first shy kiss. And those delicate pecks then lead to necking like high schoolers in a dark corner of the room; the kind of kissing where your face ends up red and raw and you can barely breathe. The kind of kissing where your knees start to go weak and you find yourself wanting to devour the other person. Primal kissing – animalistic. That’s where the four of us ended up within a few hours after some bourbon, some wine, and some rum.

We invited them to join us in our room. Neither The Biker nor I had any expectations of what might happen between us. We didn’t want them to feel pressured. By asking them to join us in our room, we knew that if they got uncomfortable, they would simply have to say goodnight and and return to the many other parties that were happening. They acted like this was nothing new for them; neither one of them seemed nervous, there were no last-minute quiet discussions between the two of them. They accepted our invitation and the four of us left the party. We spent a little while sitting on one of the two small hotel beds, chatting, sipping our drinks, laughing together. And at some point the mood shifted; talking slowed down and desires were conveyed through touch alone.

The Gentleman did some very ungenteel things to me that night, and The Belle’s brazen advances would have made Southern women faint. There were many times when I completely lost myself in the sensations washing over me, but I never allowed complete surrender because I love watching The Biker with other women, especially women that I find beautiful. I have always found The Belle quite attractive, and being able to watch them together was titillating. He is an attentive lover and I adore being able to watch other women discover that. Observing how other men use me for their own purposes drives him wild and I know it. He loves when I prove that deep down I’m a whore. Knowing that he’s watching makes it even more exciting for me, which in turn, helps me release the wanton slut inside me. Part of me was expecting The Gentleman and The Belle to stop things before we went too much further, but that never happened. We exhausted ourselves and slept until the morning sun forced us out of bed.

There was laughter that morning while we searched through the many piles of clothes to make sure everyone had their belongings. Nothing felt strange or uncomfortable between us. It was as perfect a “morning after” as anyone could expect. (I can still remember the first time The Biker and I spent the night with another couple – the nerves, the small bit of awkwardness. I’ll have to tell that story another time.) Before breakfast The Biker told me what he had learned from The Gentleman the previous evening. He and The Belle had always been monogamous. When they’d met us two years ago, they started talking about non-monogamy. They had NEVER done anything like this before now, but had decided that we were going to be their first interaction if we’d have them. I remember saying, “Did we break them? Oh shit! We broke ’em!”

And now The Biker and I are hoping to visit The Gentleman and The Belle in the coming months. We seem to all want another night of licentious exploits.

Spice is Nice

Posted in Polyamory with tags , , , on July 25, 2013 by michella74

It’s true; having Spice is so very nice.

For those of you that don’t know, I’m not talking about flavoring. In this particular context I’m using “spice” as the plural for spouse. Until recently, I had no idea of the second meaning, but it’s apparently become quite common for us polyamorous folks to use it this way.

So, why did I find this out?

Well you see, on July 8th The Biker and I exchanged rings in front of about twenty of our close friends. There was no pomp or ceremony. There was no officiant. We stood in front of our little chosen family and declared our love for each other as well as wish to remain in each other’s lives for a long time to come. It was beautiful. As you all know, we’re both legally married to other people so we’ve been through the “traditional” wedding experience. This time we were able to do whatever we wanted. We chose rings that had a special significance, we chose a setting that was beautiful, the people present were people we wanted there, the words said were meaningful and true. It was magical.

Many of the people we’ve told since then have asked us the same question: “What does that mean?” Each of them has the same look of concern and confusion cross their face, and if Panzer is present, their eyes inevitably glance at him. I can’t help but laugh when that happens. Being the smart-ass that I am, it’s difficult for me to not mess with them a little bit and announce that we’re leaving our respective spouses to live together on an island in the middle of the Pacific. So far, I’ve been able to contain myself and my standard answer has become that we married each other in our hearts since we can’t do so legally. The result of that question being asked of me so often for the past few weeks is that I’ve really spent some time thinking about what our ring exchange means for me. Obviously I’m not writing for The Biker, but I have NO doubt that he’ll share his opinion in the comments once this post is published.  *wink*

When we met nineteen months ago I had no idea what he would become to me. He was simply a sexy man wearing a kilt that happened to be at my favorite bar and happened to be a friend of one of my friends. Panzer and I were newly poly. I didn’t think this fun, flirty guy would become so important to me, but he did. He’s been there for me through ups and downs; he’s provided emotional support during some rough times; he’s made me feel loved and protected as well as caused me to feel protective towards him. I think of him when I wake in the morning and before I sleep each night. These are the EXACT same things and feelings that Panzer evokes in me. EXACTLY THE SAME. Therefore, it felt natural for me to want to make a commitment to him. No, we aren’t combining a household or making plans to retire in Mexico, but he holds a special place in my heart just as Panzer does.

For me, making a commitment to The Biker is more on an emotional level than anything else. In just the same way that I make sure to leave time in my schedule for Panzer, I now do the same thing with The Biker. I won’t cancel a date with either of them in order to spend time with someone else. I plan my week around the time I will spend with each of them. I take both their opinions into account when I’m thinking of doing something new (like the tattoo idea I’m currently tossing around). When either of them is upset or stressed about something, I’m there completely in whatever way they need me, and I can expect the same thing from either of them.

I have noticed a couple things since I married The Biker though. First, I actually feel like a newlywed. It seems strange since we’ve been together for so long already, but I know I’m letting him see more of my inner self and it feels like he’s doing the same thing. It’s like falling in love with him all over again and we’re both acting obnoxiously adorable. Second, I have had no desire to go out on any dates with anyone new. I’ve had the opportunity, but it just hasn’t appealed to me. My theory is that because we have finally reached a level of emotional intimacy that matches our physical one, I’m no longer seeking that connection with anyone – at least not right now. Who knows? Perhaps in the future one, or the both of us, will meet someone interesting, but right now, I’m completely content with my husbands.

The other thing that I’ve noticed is that Panzer seems to be reaching out to him more. I’m not sure if I just never noticed it before, or if it is a new occurrence, but it makes me smile. The Biker was so concerned about Panzer’s feelings when we began talking about the ring exchange. I think he was frightened that Panzer would feel slighted. I’ll admit that I wasn’t sure how the news would be accepted, but in true Panzer fashion, he was supportive and loving. He knows me better than anyone else and I think he saw that my love is sincere and not fleeting. He said to me recently (in somewhat different words) that he genuinely likes The Biker and is happy for my happiness. Yay for compersion!

I am somewhat sad about one thing though. (Yes, my poly life isn’t all sunshine and roses.) I still haven’t met The Biker’s wife. We’ve talked about it many times, and I understand the logistical reasons, but it still sometimes makes me uneasy. She knows how we feel about each other; she knows that he sleeps at my house at least once a week and we see each other at least three times a week; she knows that we exchanged rings, but I’ve never spoken to her. It’s strange for me. I’ve never been in a relationship like this. I know everyone Panzer has ever dated and have called quite a few of them friends. I’m sure I’ll meet her someday, but right now it still feels strange to me to NOT know her.

So my friends, what else was I wanting to tell you? Nothing really. I wanted to share my happy news with all of you. Perhaps one of you has been thinking about how to commit to a paramour. Perhaps one of you has a spouse that is going through this. Perhaps you’re just curious about my poly life. Whatever the reason you’re reading this, I hope you enjoyed it. 🙂

Love and loss

Posted in Friendship with tags , , , on April 26, 2013 by michella74

The Rigger is a difficult man to figure out. That might be part of the reason that I love him.

As I’ve written prior to this, we were friends looooong before we were lovers and that has a huge bearing on our relationship. Yesterday he found out that a close friend of his chose to end her own life at some point on Monday. I was acquainted with this woman, and I’m saddened that she felt this was the only avenue left open to her, but my sense of loss is dwarfed by what he is feeling…and it’s causing me pain.

He’s struggling for several reasons. One of them I can understand, but not both, not completely. He has apparently not had much experience with death and grieving. In my 38 years, I’ve been to over a dozen funerals for both family and friends. I’ve had to deal with it quite a bit and know how to get through the pain of losing someone. Hell, one of those could have been stopped had I just pushed a little more and forced him to ride home with me. (That’s perhaps a story for another time.) The point is that I have learned how to get through this and he has not. It’s painful to witness.

The other reason is something that I can empathize with, but don’t fully understand. She was one of his models and he saw her as a little girl that needed to be protected and cared for. In other words, he saw himself as her father-figure. (He does that with almost every woman he knows.) Because of that, he’s seeing this as a failure on his part – he couldn’t save her from her demons even though he tried for years. He’s angry with the men that hurt her and let her down throughout her life, and he’s seeing himself as one of them. I can’t figure out how to get him to realize that her death is not his fault. I tried for hours tonight, and I don’t think it worked. I don’t know if his lack of exposure to death is what is causing the problem, or if it’s that he sees himself as a superhero when it comes to saving little girls.

At one point tonight, in between the two times he shed tears briefly, I asked him if he saw me as one of those girls he feels obligated to protect. Thankfully, he said no, and told me that it’s part of the reason he is with me. Again, we have a relationship that is not typical for him. It’s strange for him to be with a woman that doesn’t need him, just as it’s strange for me to be involved with a man that doesn’t need me. I can’t say that I enjoy it all the time, but there is something both refreshing and terrifying about knowing that I could tell him to leave me alone for a week and he would, without questioning why. And that is exactly why it’s so hard for me to really “get” him sometimes.

I have a small amount of very close friends that I would do anything for – no questions asked. There are less than ten. The Rigger is one of those, but he never asks for anything; not even emotional support, and that perplexes me to no end. The reason I have so few close friends is because I’m not comfortable needing people. I enjoy being self-reliant (sometimes to a fault), but on the rare occasions that I do need some additional support, I know I can turn to my close friends because I’m there for them in turn. This man would never dream of asking a friend for that, but will offer it to friends and strangers alike. It’s completely selfless and I can’t help but think it must be exhausting for him.

I’m hoping that one day, I’ll understand his lack of reliance on other people. In the meantime, I’ll just continue loving him and reminding him that, should he need me, I’m there.

Yes, we have a chart.

Posted in Polyamory with tags , on April 23, 2013 by michella74
Does this help?

Does this help?

I created this chart of our poly family a little while ago at the urging of another poly friend of ours. His family is the same size as mine, but they have several 24/7 Master/slave relationships as well as triads, so their chart is much more complicated. Usually, I wouldn’t include an Ex, but since I mention them in posts, I thought it might make things clearer.

When I created the chart, I was surprised at how complicated it appeared. Everything seems so easy in my head. But looking at it as an outsider, I can understand why people give us strange looks when we attempt to explain it. I’ve become very fond of saying, “If this were an easy way to live, everyone would do it.”

Poly-what?

Posted in Kink, Polyamory with tags , , , on April 23, 2013 by michella74

I’m polyamorous.

What does that mean? Do you want the long version or the short one?

The short version is that my husband, whom I love dearly and will be with until I die, dates other women and I date other people as well. Currently, he has one girlfriend and I have two boyfriends. I can’t speak for my husband (I’ll call him Panzer), but I can say that I am in love with both of my other partners and want them in my life for the forseeable future.

If you’re satisfied with that explanation, feel free to stop reading. If you’d like the longer version, keep going. Maybe I’ll put up a chart one day.

I’ve been with one man since January 2012 – I’ll call him The Biker. We met at our favorite bar, about two hours before he turned 40. When I walked in that night, I saw a clean-cut man talking to a friend of mine. He was wearing a kilt and had beautiful legs. I couldn’t help but making damn sure I bumped into my friend. She introduced us and his smile drew me in immediately. We talked for a minute and then I made my way back to the table where my other friends had settled. I noticed that every time he walked to the restroom he would pause, smile, and say hello. Then at midnight, the sound of a paddle got my attention. I looked up at the stage and realized that he was not only receiving his birthday spankings, he was enjoying them. I remember thinking, “Oh dear god, he’s kinky too.” When I got home that night I told Panzer about him. He laughed a bit and mentioned that this guy sounded like he might be the good kind of trouble. The very next week I was sitting with Panzer waiting for a date. That man never appeared, but The Biker did. When he saw me, he grinned and walked to our table and sat down next to me. It was bold and irresistible. I made introductions and mentioned to Panzer that this was the man who got my attention with his birthday spankings. The Biker smiled and said that he’d hoped it had. We’ve been dating ever since.

The Biker is married, with two teenaged children. He and his wife have a slightly different arrangement than Panzer and I. They consider their marriage “open”, meaning that his wife doesn’t usually meet the women he dates, whereas Panzer and I consider all our partners part of our family. It’s quite common for all of us to sit at a bar drinking and laughing together. Recently, The Biker told me that he’s started referring to himself as Poly. I was a bit shocked by this declaration and had to ask him what had changed. Apparently, for the first time since they opened their marriage, he’s had no interest in being with anyone but his wife and me. He told me that he felt fulfilled by the relationships with the two of us and didn’t think he needed anyone else in his life. I love that he can shock me after over a year together. Until he told me that, I wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about me. I knew that he found me attractive and that he enjoyed “showing me off” at the biker bars, but at that moment I was positive of the love he’d been professing that he felt.

My other relationship began in December 2012. Well, I guess it began two and a half years before that when we met, but our romantic involvement is only 4 months old. When I met The Rigger I crushed on him HARD. (For any of you that don’t know, a rigger is a name that we kinky folks use for someone that knows how to tie rope used for bondage.) We’ve been friends for years and up until late last year, he was monogamous. He had helped me through two pretty heart-wrenching breakups in 2012 and I was having a difficult time not developing strong feelings for him. You see, along with being a skilled rigger, he’s a poet, a photographer, and quite handsome in a rugged way. In other words, he’s everything I look for in a man: brains and brawn. When he confided in me that he and his girlfriend had decided to give poly a chance, I couldn’t help but tell him about the crush I’d had on him for years. He was shocked – genuinely shocked. And to my dismay, his initial reaction was to tell me that he couldn’t date me because I wasn’t crazy. A month later, during one of our daily marathon text conversations, he announced that we were going to go on a date…that night. It was awkward (and wonderful) because we couldn’t figure out how to act around each other. But we muddled through it, and he kissed me when he walked me to my car. Four months later, I know now why he was so surprised; he didn’t think that a sane woman could ever be attracted to him. He’s such a silly boy.

The Rigger isn’t married, but he did start dating another woman about two months into our relationship. The one thing that I wish he’d done differently was to talk to me about his feelings for her prior to asking her out. At the time, I still wasn’t 100% secure in our relationship, so adding another woman to the equation made me nervous. He’s never been poly before and for him, trying to figure out how to make sure that neither of us feels neglected is a challenge. We’re still working through some issues, but I think in our case, our prior friendship is a benefit. We aren’t afraid to call “bullshit” on each other.