Archive for polyamory

#polyproblems

Posted in Polyamory with tags , , , on January 19, 2014 by michella74

An amusing thing happened yesterday.

Panzer and I met The Biker for lunch at a fast food chain. We arrived just a few minutes before The Biker, and were ordering our food when he walked in. He came up to me, gave me a kiss and got in line just one person behind us. I didn’t even think about it. While waiting for our orders, we sat in a booth and talked. It was The Biker’s birthday, but I had arrived with Panzer, so I put Panzer on my left, inside the booth and The Biker across from me. This way, I could hold Panzer’s hand while touching the leg of The Biker with my own leg. I’m not ashamed that I love both of these men and consider them both my husbands, but I realize that for most people, our arrangement is odd, if not evil. So keeping that in mind, I make concessions when I’m out with both of them. I try to choose who I’m “with” in order to keep the stares at a minimum.

Apparently yesterday, I wasn’t as subtle as I thought.

Our order number was called and I walked up to retrieve it just moments before The Biker’s was called. When he reached the counter, the very confused young lady told him that I had just picked up our order. She had seen him kiss me. It was so cute. Part of me just wanted to whisper to her that I was, indeed, with both of them. I thought better of it and just chuckled to myself.

It did make me wonder though how many other people were attempting to figure out the relationship between us. I wasn’t making out with either of them, but I was touching them both and flirting with both of them. (Yes, I still flirt with them. We’re married, not dead.) The three of us were sharing French fries and socializing together. When we left, the guys hugged and Panzer went to my car so I could walk The Biker to his and give him a birthday hug and kiss. After driving off with Panzer, I couldn’t help but looking back to see if the people in the restaurant were staring out the window looking confused. They weren’t…not that I could see anyway.

I love having these sorts of “problems”. Two wonderful men are in love with me, and I’m in love with both of them. How awful. *grin*

Spice is Nice

Posted in Polyamory with tags , , , on July 25, 2013 by michella74

It’s true; having Spice is so very nice.

For those of you that don’t know, I’m not talking about flavoring. In this particular context I’m using “spice” as the plural for spouse. Until recently, I had no idea of the second meaning, but it’s apparently become quite common for us polyamorous folks to use it this way.

So, why did I find this out?

Well you see, on July 8th The Biker and I exchanged rings in front of about twenty of our close friends. There was no pomp or ceremony. There was no officiant. We stood in front of our little chosen family and declared our love for each other as well as wish to remain in each other’s lives for a long time to come. It was beautiful. As you all know, we’re both legally married to other people so we’ve been through the “traditional” wedding experience. This time we were able to do whatever we wanted. We chose rings that had a special significance, we chose a setting that was beautiful, the people present were people we wanted there, the words said were meaningful and true. It was magical.

Many of the people we’ve told since then have asked us the same question: “What does that mean?” Each of them has the same look of concern and confusion cross their face, and if Panzer is present, their eyes inevitably glance at him. I can’t help but laugh when that happens. Being the smart-ass that I am, it’s difficult for me to not mess with them a little bit and announce that we’re leaving our respective spouses to live together on an island in the middle of the Pacific. So far, I’ve been able to contain myself and my standard answer has become that we married each other in our hearts since we can’t do so legally. The result of that question being asked of me so often for the past few weeks is that I’ve really spent some time thinking about what our ring exchange means for me. Obviously I’m not writing for The Biker, but I have NO doubt that he’ll share his opinion in the comments once this post is published.  *wink*

When we met nineteen months ago I had no idea what he would become to me. He was simply a sexy man wearing a kilt that happened to be at my favorite bar and happened to be a friend of one of my friends. Panzer and I were newly poly. I didn’t think this fun, flirty guy would become so important to me, but he did. He’s been there for me through ups and downs; he’s provided emotional support during some rough times; he’s made me feel loved and protected as well as caused me to feel protective towards him. I think of him when I wake in the morning and before I sleep each night. These are the EXACT same things and feelings that Panzer evokes in me. EXACTLY THE SAME. Therefore, it felt natural for me to want to make a commitment to him. No, we aren’t combining a household or making plans to retire in Mexico, but he holds a special place in my heart just as Panzer does.

For me, making a commitment to The Biker is more on an emotional level than anything else. In just the same way that I make sure to leave time in my schedule for Panzer, I now do the same thing with The Biker. I won’t cancel a date with either of them in order to spend time with someone else. I plan my week around the time I will spend with each of them. I take both their opinions into account when I’m thinking of doing something new (like the tattoo idea I’m currently tossing around). When either of them is upset or stressed about something, I’m there completely in whatever way they need me, and I can expect the same thing from either of them.

I have noticed a couple things since I married The Biker though. First, I actually feel like a newlywed. It seems strange since we’ve been together for so long already, but I know I’m letting him see more of my inner self and it feels like he’s doing the same thing. It’s like falling in love with him all over again and we’re both acting obnoxiously adorable. Second, I have had no desire to go out on any dates with anyone new. I’ve had the opportunity, but it just hasn’t appealed to me. My theory is that because we have finally reached a level of emotional intimacy that matches our physical one, I’m no longer seeking that connection with anyone – at least not right now. Who knows? Perhaps in the future one, or the both of us, will meet someone interesting, but right now, I’m completely content with my husbands.

The other thing that I’ve noticed is that Panzer seems to be reaching out to him more. I’m not sure if I just never noticed it before, or if it is a new occurrence, but it makes me smile. The Biker was so concerned about Panzer’s feelings when we began talking about the ring exchange. I think he was frightened that Panzer would feel slighted. I’ll admit that I wasn’t sure how the news would be accepted, but in true Panzer fashion, he was supportive and loving. He knows me better than anyone else and I think he saw that my love is sincere and not fleeting. He said to me recently (in somewhat different words) that he genuinely likes The Biker and is happy for my happiness. Yay for compersion!

I am somewhat sad about one thing though. (Yes, my poly life isn’t all sunshine and roses.) I still haven’t met The Biker’s wife. We’ve talked about it many times, and I understand the logistical reasons, but it still sometimes makes me uneasy. She knows how we feel about each other; she knows that he sleeps at my house at least once a week and we see each other at least three times a week; she knows that we exchanged rings, but I’ve never spoken to her. It’s strange for me. I’ve never been in a relationship like this. I know everyone Panzer has ever dated and have called quite a few of them friends. I’m sure I’ll meet her someday, but right now it still feels strange to me to NOT know her.

So my friends, what else was I wanting to tell you? Nothing really. I wanted to share my happy news with all of you. Perhaps one of you has been thinking about how to commit to a paramour. Perhaps one of you has a spouse that is going through this. Perhaps you’re just curious about my poly life. Whatever the reason you’re reading this, I hope you enjoyed it. 🙂

The Rigger cut our ropes

Posted in Friendship, Polyamory with tags , , on May 12, 2013 by michella74

When he said nothing but a return to monogamy, relocation, or death would break us up, I should have known he was lying.

I’m not The Rigger’s “type”. I’ve known that from the beginning, but I was willing to give “us” a chance. He told me that he didn’t want another submissive girl, he didn’t want to have to take care of someone, he wanted a woman that could take care of herself; someone that was his equal, someone that he could be himself with – his whole self. I fell for it; hook, line, and sinker. Sure, part of the problem is that I wanted it so badly to be true, but he’s also very good at making women fall in love with him. I’m not being petty either, he told me that one night as we drove around St. Louis, looking at old buildings that he loves.

I don’t think there was any malicious intent on his part, but keeping it from me wasn’t the kindest thing he could have done. For the past month there has been a distinct lack of intimate contact from him. There were hugs and soft kisses, but no passion from him at all. At first, I thought it had to do with the death of his friend, but yesterday something made me question it. Aside from sleeping naked beside him, our “date” was more like two friends hanging out. He put me in rope, but left me fully clothed (like any other play partner) and didn’t touch me afterwards. He woke before me to a phone call, but never came back to bed. Then he spent the entire morning texting with a new girl that needs a caretaker. When I left his place, it felt like he had to remind himself to tell me he loved me and because of that, I wept the entire way home.

It took me hours to decide whether or not to bring up my concerns, but I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. He obviously wasn’t going to say anything, so it was up to me. I texted him three words: Are we ok? I didn’t hear from him for five hours. After the first 30 minutes had passed, I knew the answer, but I waited anyway. (I’m a masochist, after all, and I wanted the pain.) When he answered, he confirmed everything I’d been sensing. He said he no longer felt passion for me. He said he still loved me, but wanted to feel like he couldn’t keep his hands off of his partner.

I’d like to say that these statements surprised me, but I can’t. He’s always commented on the beauty of babygirl, how he can’t keep his hands off of her, how much he wants her, etc. At one point in time he told me I was beautiful, but that stopped long ago. In a recent discussion he said that “an accident of genetics” was the reason that photographers didn’t ask me to model for them. That’s not really a statement you want to hear from a man that you love.

There are so many things he said and did that I’ve been replaying in my head for the past 24 hours. I think that’s the worst part about a breakup; the rewinding of time and the echoes of past words and deeds. It’s almost impossible to recall the good times right now, and when I allow myself to do that, the pain is almost unbearable. I can’t think about the happy times right now. I have to focus on all the hurtful things that he said and did. I have to focus on the unkept promises; and there are many. I’m focusing on the disappointments, the tears he caused, the bad pain. There is nothing I can do about the lack of passion he has for me now. I am nothing more than a failed experiment in his life, and he in mine. I hope that one day we’ll be able to be friends again, but not right now, not for a bit.

Thankfully, when you live a poly life, there is (usually) another partner there to help assuage the pain. I’m extremely lucky that I have two. Both Panzer and The Biker spent the evening consoling me, telling me how much they loved me; helping me to focus on the love I have in my life instead of the hurt. Without them I’d be a miserable wreck of a woman right now instead of simply morose. But I’ve still lost my friend – the one that helped me through prior breakups, the one who helped me see the good in those that caused me pain. That hurts me more than knowing he no longer desires me.

So, it’s time to rebuild my walls, strengthen my defenses, and hope that I don’t fall for the same tricks again. Every time I’m hurt I become more of a cynic, I become more withdrawn, I make it more difficult to see the real me. I worry that someday I won’t even know who I really am behind the public facade.

Why Poly?

Posted in Kink, Polyamory with tags , , on April 27, 2013 by michella74

Panzer and I have been asked on numerous occasions why, after almost 14 years of monogamy, we decided to change the dynamic of our marriage. We usually chuckle a bit. It’s a long story, like almost everything else about our life together.

Panzer was the first man that I was successfully monogamous with for more than a year. Prior to that, I usually didn’t make it past a month or two. I would always develop a crush on someone and end up cheating on whoever I was dating at the time. Panzer had a better track record, but his first marriage did end because he cheated. We just couldn’t help ourselves, I guess. (And before you think it…no, we did not become poly because one of us cheated.)

When I met him, I knew I was in love immediately. And yes, I was dating someone at the time, as was he. Within a few weeks, we’d both ended our other relationships and he proposed two weeks after we started dating. Six months later, we bought a house, and a year later, we were married. About 5 years into our marriage, our sex-life was non-existent. Ok, we might have had sex every few months, but for both of us, that wasn’t enough. His arm was getting over-developed and I was spending too much money on vibrators. Our options were divorce or try seeing a therapist. Neither of us wanted divorce because we really do love each other, so we opted for therapy. It was, hands-down, the best thing we’ve ever done for our relationship. We spent six months learning how to REALLY talk to each other, openly and honestly. It was amazing. In fact, without that ability, polyamory doesn’t work at all.

Things got good again. Our sex life was back to our “normal” five times a week average. We were really talking to each other. It was wonderful, but something was still missing. It took another few years for us to figure it out. We’d always had a kinky relationship; bondage and spanking were common activities. However, neither of us had ever truly opened up to the other about exactly what kink got us hot. So, roughly 8 years into our relationship, we finally started talking about what we really wanted in bed.

It turned out that Panzer had never talked about it because he was afraid of what I’d think of him. He couldn’t figure out how to tell his wife that he wanted to beat her with a riding crop until she cried. Men didn’t do things like that to the women they claimed to love. I’d never mentioned anything because the after-effects of being raised Catholic were still buried deep inside me and I felt ashamed. I couldn’t admit to my husband that I wanted him to fuck me, choke me and call me a whore. What kind of a woman actually *wants* that? Looking back on it now, it seems ludicrous.

After talking about it and feeling each other out, we decided to start trying new things, and made the decision to become active in our local kink community. That decision is what changed our lives. Within a few months of joining the community, we’d met so many other “kinksters” that neither of us felt ashamed of what we enjoyed anymore. It was okay to enjoy these things. We reveled in trying new things together to see if they turned us on; some did, some didn’t. And occasionally, an activity would work for one of us, but not the other.

And that, my friends, is what led us to discussing polyamory. It was roughly three years ago. We had gone to a national convention for Shibari enthusiasts. (Shibari, or Kinbaku, is the art of rope bondage.) We’d discovered that Panzer loved tying me up and I loved being tied up. During the five-hour drive home, we started talking about having “scenes” with other people. A scene does not necessarily include sexual conduct. It’s quite common in the kink community for people to scene with friends or new acquaintances and do nothing sexual. Well, we began discussing it. Both of us agreed that a scene with someone else would be okay. But then we started discussing it more in depth.

We’re kinky – fetishes are sexual, even if there is no intercourse. Having a knife held to my throat gets me wet. Spanking a woman’s ass gets Panzer hard. Neither of these are sex acts, but they are sexual kinks for us. So, we began discussing how we’d feel about one of us taking part in a scene with someone else where some of these kinks were indulged. We discussed it for months. It was exhausting, but we needed to be sure that every concern had been addressed. And while we were talking about that, we also talked about how we felt about each other. We both needed to be 100% secure in our relationship. Without that, the chances of a marriage surviving are slim. We read books, we talked to other poly people that we knew. We went to meetings. We talked, and talked, and talked, and talked…and then talked some more.

And then one day, we decided to give it a try. There was one condition: either partner could stop it at any time if it got too difficult. But you know what? It’s been almost two years and our ability to communicate with each other has gotten us over every speed bump we’ve hit. Communication, scheduling, and being able to tell the difference between jealousy and envy are the three most important skills to have when you’re poly. So far, Panzer and I are doing well. I love him more now than I ever thought possible. He is still the man I’ll grow old with. There might just be a few more people in rocking chairs on the porch with us now.

Yes, we have a chart.

Posted in Polyamory with tags , on April 23, 2013 by michella74
Does this help?

Does this help?

I created this chart of our poly family a little while ago at the urging of another poly friend of ours. His family is the same size as mine, but they have several 24/7 Master/slave relationships as well as triads, so their chart is much more complicated. Usually, I wouldn’t include an Ex, but since I mention them in posts, I thought it might make things clearer.

When I created the chart, I was surprised at how complicated it appeared. Everything seems so easy in my head. But looking at it as an outsider, I can understand why people give us strange looks when we attempt to explain it. I’ve become very fond of saying, “If this were an easy way to live, everyone would do it.”

Just your typical Monday night…

Posted in Polyamory with tags , on April 23, 2013 by michella74

Ok, so typical for me.

Every Monday I hang out at a local bar about 5 minutes from my house with several of my employees and friends. Sounds quite normal on the surface. Well….not so much.

The earliest I’ve ever arrived is 9:30, but 10:15 is more the “standard”. It’s a 3am bar frequented by many of the local kinksters and poly folk. The music is always good, it’s rare to see someone that no one at the bar knows, and the bartenders know how to take care of their customers. My group of friends and I are there often enough that we have a table with our name on it. Ok, technically it’s a play on the name of my restaurant, but it’s OUR table. On average, our group consists of about 15 people – sometimes more, sometimes less – and we all just sit around bullshitting, talking about kink, and having a good time. Tonight was no different.

I was there with Panzer and The Biker. The Rigger decided to stay home and handcuff himself to his bed for an hour. (He enjoys self-bondage.) Panzer’s girlfriend was there as well, along with a couple of our employees and the boyfriends of one of my employees. (Yes, I’m poly and I hang out with other poly people.) It was a relatively low-key night since several of us had been out drinking last night.

At one point, while The Biker was flirting with another bar regular, I decided to check my phone and see if I’d missed anything important. And that’s when the insanity of my life hit me. I had text messages from Panzer (who’d left already), The Rigger, The Submissive, and The Cop. The Submissive is a woman that I have some interest in, but don’t know that I have time for. The Cop is a man I dated for a few months last year. We’re still friends and talk often. While I was answering those texts, I got a notification of a new Facebook message from another ex – GothBoy.

So, for about 30 minutes tonight, I was chatting with my husband, one of my boyfriends, two of my ex lovers, and a possible new lover…all while having The Biker’s arms wrapped around me. Some people would call this surreal, but for me, it’s become day-to-day life. I’ve almost reached a point of being shocked when I hear that someone only has ONE significant other. Monogamy just seems crazy and so…kinky.

Poly-what?

Posted in Kink, Polyamory with tags , , , on April 23, 2013 by michella74

I’m polyamorous.

What does that mean? Do you want the long version or the short one?

The short version is that my husband, whom I love dearly and will be with until I die, dates other women and I date other people as well. Currently, he has one girlfriend and I have two boyfriends. I can’t speak for my husband (I’ll call him Panzer), but I can say that I am in love with both of my other partners and want them in my life for the forseeable future.

If you’re satisfied with that explanation, feel free to stop reading. If you’d like the longer version, keep going. Maybe I’ll put up a chart one day.

I’ve been with one man since January 2012 – I’ll call him The Biker. We met at our favorite bar, about two hours before he turned 40. When I walked in that night, I saw a clean-cut man talking to a friend of mine. He was wearing a kilt and had beautiful legs. I couldn’t help but making damn sure I bumped into my friend. She introduced us and his smile drew me in immediately. We talked for a minute and then I made my way back to the table where my other friends had settled. I noticed that every time he walked to the restroom he would pause, smile, and say hello. Then at midnight, the sound of a paddle got my attention. I looked up at the stage and realized that he was not only receiving his birthday spankings, he was enjoying them. I remember thinking, “Oh dear god, he’s kinky too.” When I got home that night I told Panzer about him. He laughed a bit and mentioned that this guy sounded like he might be the good kind of trouble. The very next week I was sitting with Panzer waiting for a date. That man never appeared, but The Biker did. When he saw me, he grinned and walked to our table and sat down next to me. It was bold and irresistible. I made introductions and mentioned to Panzer that this was the man who got my attention with his birthday spankings. The Biker smiled and said that he’d hoped it had. We’ve been dating ever since.

The Biker is married, with two teenaged children. He and his wife have a slightly different arrangement than Panzer and I. They consider their marriage “open”, meaning that his wife doesn’t usually meet the women he dates, whereas Panzer and I consider all our partners part of our family. It’s quite common for all of us to sit at a bar drinking and laughing together. Recently, The Biker told me that he’s started referring to himself as Poly. I was a bit shocked by this declaration and had to ask him what had changed. Apparently, for the first time since they opened their marriage, he’s had no interest in being with anyone but his wife and me. He told me that he felt fulfilled by the relationships with the two of us and didn’t think he needed anyone else in his life. I love that he can shock me after over a year together. Until he told me that, I wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about me. I knew that he found me attractive and that he enjoyed “showing me off” at the biker bars, but at that moment I was positive of the love he’d been professing that he felt.

My other relationship began in December 2012. Well, I guess it began two and a half years before that when we met, but our romantic involvement is only 4 months old. When I met The Rigger I crushed on him HARD. (For any of you that don’t know, a rigger is a name that we kinky folks use for someone that knows how to tie rope used for bondage.) We’ve been friends for years and up until late last year, he was monogamous. He had helped me through two pretty heart-wrenching breakups in 2012 and I was having a difficult time not developing strong feelings for him. You see, along with being a skilled rigger, he’s a poet, a photographer, and quite handsome in a rugged way. In other words, he’s everything I look for in a man: brains and brawn. When he confided in me that he and his girlfriend had decided to give poly a chance, I couldn’t help but tell him about the crush I’d had on him for years. He was shocked – genuinely shocked. And to my dismay, his initial reaction was to tell me that he couldn’t date me because I wasn’t crazy. A month later, during one of our daily marathon text conversations, he announced that we were going to go on a date…that night. It was awkward (and wonderful) because we couldn’t figure out how to act around each other. But we muddled through it, and he kissed me when he walked me to my car. Four months later, I know now why he was so surprised; he didn’t think that a sane woman could ever be attracted to him. He’s such a silly boy.

The Rigger isn’t married, but he did start dating another woman about two months into our relationship. The one thing that I wish he’d done differently was to talk to me about his feelings for her prior to asking her out. At the time, I still wasn’t 100% secure in our relationship, so adding another woman to the equation made me nervous. He’s never been poly before and for him, trying to figure out how to make sure that neither of us feels neglected is a challenge. We’re still working through some issues, but I think in our case, our prior friendship is a benefit. We aren’t afraid to call “bullshit” on each other.