Archive for love

Finding myself again

Posted in Kink with tags , , , , , on March 8, 2017 by michella74

For the past few months, I’ve felt that a huge part of my life has been missing and I’ve been attempting to discover both what’s missing, and how to get it back. So I began to write this post. As with all my writing, I do it to work through thoughts in my head, but if it helps anyone else, I’m pleased.

 

The “what” is easy – it’s kink. Every relationship I’ve ever had has been located somewhere on the kinky scale. Granted some have been higher on that scale than others, but without some level of physical pain or fear I quickly tire of the relationship. My relationships with both Panzer and The Biker have always been kinky, but for a few years now, the level of kink has dropped to no more than a few face slaps or a hand around my throat during sex. Compared to several years ago, when I was getting beaten or tied up at least twice a week, the kink has disappeared.

 

Why has it disappeared? Well, my world went sideways after a terrible breakup a few years ago and I retreated from kink as much as I could. Scenes became a reminder of how I was manipulated and used, how physically and mentally unhealthy I had become, how I had almost lost myself as well as my other relationships. I had to stop playing. I think that a part of me felt that I didn’t deserve the happiness that a good beating gave me. After all, I had let myself be manipulated; I had allowed it to happen; I was supposed to be stronger than that. But recently (a week ago, in fact), The Biker helped me realize that I was the victim. In order to move forward, I needed to stop blaming myself. Sadly, I also realized that by locking up the kinky part of my personality, by denying kink scenes to them, I had deprived both Panzer and The Biker of something they both loved and needed as well. Years later, I was still allowing that person to manipulate my actions and it needed to stop.

 

So what was it that I love about scenes. Why do I NEED them?

 

Obviously, part of it is that I’m just wired that way; I’m a masochist. I have been since before I’d ever heard that word. I once cut my finger open with a razor knife just to experience the sensation. I enjoyed playing rough games with the boys next door because I knew I’d get hurt. My sexual fantasies have always involved scenes of kidnapping, injury, bondage…all the “standards”.  A good way to torture me is to make love to me gently and touch my body softly. (I have to tell you though – the person I’m with should be prepared to get punched and cursed at if they try that.) Obviously, receiving pain plays heavily on whether or not I enjoy myself. But the need for the pain isn’t the only thing I miss.

 

When my partners and I are playing regularly, I feel extremely connected to them. A huge amount of trust is required. I have to trust myself to know when I’ve had enough, I have to trust my partner to know how to hit me safely, and my partner has to trust themselves enough to hurt me without harming me. All of that trust cannot be present without a great amount of love and intimacy. Over the past few years, without that, I’ve felt further from them emotionally.

 

For me, a scene is a journey. It starts with planning; each player searching for the path to be taken, discovering what demons to poke and what dark shadows in the psyche to explore. There is often laughter and smiles and always underlying love, but what we do is inherently dark in that we are looking to cause or receive physical or mental pain. A kink educator I know likes to say that when we do what we do, we are exploring the “dark pudding”. It’s been one of my favorite phrases since I heard it. When one of my partners beats me hard enough to bruise me or even draw blood, we are most assuredly exploring our dark pudding and emotional connections cannot help but be built.

 

Also, and this is pure vanity, I miss my badass days. When I was playing often, my pain tolerance was extremely high. I was constantly bruised, I could get caned for an hour and still want more. I rarely said no to any toy that Panzer or The Biker wanted to use. I felt like a badass. Now? Not so much. I can barely handle one good slap on the ass without wincing. I hit myself lightly with a small cane a few days ago and the sensation was both wonderful and frightening. Wonderful because I immediately recalled scenes in which I was caned until the skin was broken and welted for days, and frightening because I knew that I had barely swung the rod. It upsets me to admit that I can’t take the amount of pain that I used to. I want immediate gratification. I want to beg Panzer and The Biker to restrain me and have their way with me, but I can’t yet. And honestly, the idea of having to build up my pain tolerance again is daunting, to say the least.

 

But, I will persevere. I’ve already asked both of them to help me (not that it took much convincing). They’re both sadistic enough to enjoy the process of rebuilding my alligator skin. Panzer has already come up with a game in which I get to choose two out of three things: Toy, Location, Intensity. He gets to choose the 3rd. I think he’s delighting in knowing that I’m somewhat terrified every time I have to choose. The Biker hasn’t invented a game; he’s taking a more direct approach by man-handling me more and using his knowledge of human anatomy. He giggles when he manipulates my pressure points and nearly drops me to my knees. I usually end up giggling as well, after I curse him. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like we’ve discovered the correct path. Yes, it’s dark and it will require tears at some point, but the end of the journey will be worth it.

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Poly-what?

Posted in Kink, Polyamory with tags , , , on April 23, 2013 by michella74

I’m polyamorous.

What does that mean? Do you want the long version or the short one?

The short version is that my husband, whom I love dearly and will be with until I die, dates other women and I date other people as well. Currently, he has one girlfriend and I have two boyfriends. I can’t speak for my husband (I’ll call him Panzer), but I can say that I am in love with both of my other partners and want them in my life for the forseeable future.

If you’re satisfied with that explanation, feel free to stop reading. If you’d like the longer version, keep going. Maybe I’ll put up a chart one day.

I’ve been with one man since January 2012 – I’ll call him The Biker. We met at our favorite bar, about two hours before he turned 40. When I walked in that night, I saw a clean-cut man talking to a friend of mine. He was wearing a kilt and had beautiful legs. I couldn’t help but making damn sure I bumped into my friend. She introduced us and his smile drew me in immediately. We talked for a minute and then I made my way back to the table where my other friends had settled. I noticed that every time he walked to the restroom he would pause, smile, and say hello. Then at midnight, the sound of a paddle got my attention. I looked up at the stage and realized that he was not only receiving his birthday spankings, he was enjoying them. I remember thinking, “Oh dear god, he’s kinky too.” When I got home that night I told Panzer about him. He laughed a bit and mentioned that this guy sounded like he might be the good kind of trouble. The very next week I was sitting with Panzer waiting for a date. That man never appeared, but The Biker did. When he saw me, he grinned and walked to our table and sat down next to me. It was bold and irresistible. I made introductions and mentioned to Panzer that this was the man who got my attention with his birthday spankings. The Biker smiled and said that he’d hoped it had. We’ve been dating ever since.

The Biker is married, with two teenaged children. He and his wife have a slightly different arrangement than Panzer and I. They consider their marriage “open”, meaning that his wife doesn’t usually meet the women he dates, whereas Panzer and I consider all our partners part of our family. It’s quite common for all of us to sit at a bar drinking and laughing together. Recently, The Biker told me that he’s started referring to himself as Poly. I was a bit shocked by this declaration and had to ask him what had changed. Apparently, for the first time since they opened their marriage, he’s had no interest in being with anyone but his wife and me. He told me that he felt fulfilled by the relationships with the two of us and didn’t think he needed anyone else in his life. I love that he can shock me after over a year together. Until he told me that, I wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about me. I knew that he found me attractive and that he enjoyed “showing me off” at the biker bars, but at that moment I was positive of the love he’d been professing that he felt.

My other relationship began in December 2012. Well, I guess it began two and a half years before that when we met, but our romantic involvement is only 4 months old. When I met The Rigger I crushed on him HARD. (For any of you that don’t know, a rigger is a name that we kinky folks use for someone that knows how to tie rope used for bondage.) We’ve been friends for years and up until late last year, he was monogamous. He had helped me through two pretty heart-wrenching breakups in 2012 and I was having a difficult time not developing strong feelings for him. You see, along with being a skilled rigger, he’s a poet, a photographer, and quite handsome in a rugged way. In other words, he’s everything I look for in a man: brains and brawn. When he confided in me that he and his girlfriend had decided to give poly a chance, I couldn’t help but tell him about the crush I’d had on him for years. He was shocked – genuinely shocked. And to my dismay, his initial reaction was to tell me that he couldn’t date me because I wasn’t crazy. A month later, during one of our daily marathon text conversations, he announced that we were going to go on a date…that night. It was awkward (and wonderful) because we couldn’t figure out how to act around each other. But we muddled through it, and he kissed me when he walked me to my car. Four months later, I know now why he was so surprised; he didn’t think that a sane woman could ever be attracted to him. He’s such a silly boy.

The Rigger isn’t married, but he did start dating another woman about two months into our relationship. The one thing that I wish he’d done differently was to talk to me about his feelings for her prior to asking her out. At the time, I still wasn’t 100% secure in our relationship, so adding another woman to the equation made me nervous. He’s never been poly before and for him, trying to figure out how to make sure that neither of us feels neglected is a challenge. We’re still working through some issues, but I think in our case, our prior friendship is a benefit. We aren’t afraid to call “bullshit” on each other.