Archive for the Friendship Category

The Rigger cut our ropes

Posted in Friendship, Polyamory with tags , , on May 12, 2013 by michella74

When he said nothing but a return to monogamy, relocation, or death would break us up, I should have known he was lying.

I’m not The Rigger’s “type”. I’ve known that from the beginning, but I was willing to give “us” a chance. He told me that he didn’t want another submissive girl, he didn’t want to have to take care of someone, he wanted a woman that could take care of herself; someone that was his equal, someone that he could be himself with – his whole self. I fell for it; hook, line, and sinker. Sure, part of the problem is that I wanted it so badly to be true, but he’s also very good at making women fall in love with him. I’m not being petty either, he told me that one night as we drove around St. Louis, looking at old buildings that he loves.

I don’t think there was any malicious intent on his part, but keeping it from me wasn’t the kindest thing he could have done. For the past month there has been a distinct lack of intimate contact from him. There were hugs and soft kisses, but no passion from him at all. At first, I thought it had to do with the death of his friend, but yesterday something made me question it. Aside from sleeping naked beside him, our “date” was more like two friends hanging out. He put me in rope, but left me fully clothed (like any other play partner) and didn’t touch me afterwards. He woke before me to a phone call, but never came back to bed. Then he spent the entire morning texting with a new girl that needs a caretaker. When I left his place, it felt like he had to remind himself to tell me he loved me and because of that, I wept the entire way home.

It took me hours to decide whether or not to bring up my concerns, but I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. He obviously wasn’t going to say anything, so it was up to me. I texted him three words: Are we ok? I didn’t hear from him for five hours. After the first 30 minutes had passed, I knew the answer, but I waited anyway. (I’m a masochist, after all, and I wanted the pain.) When he answered, he confirmed everything I’d been sensing. He said he no longer felt passion for me. He said he still loved me, but wanted to feel like he couldn’t keep his hands off of his partner.

I’d like to say that these statements surprised me, but I can’t. He’s always commented on the beauty of babygirl, how he can’t keep his hands off of her, how much he wants her, etc. At one point in time he told me I was beautiful, but that stopped long ago. In a recent discussion he said that “an accident of genetics” was the reason that photographers didn’t ask me to model for them. That’s not really a statement you want to hear from a man that you love.

There are so many things he said and did that I’ve been replaying in my head for the past 24 hours. I think that’s the worst part about a breakup; the rewinding of time and the echoes of past words and deeds. It’s almost impossible to recall the good times right now, and when I allow myself to do that, the pain is almost unbearable. I can’t think about the happy times right now. I have to focus on all the hurtful things that he said and did. I have to focus on the unkept promises; and there are many. I’m focusing on the disappointments, the tears he caused, the bad pain. There is nothing I can do about the lack of passion he has for me now. I am nothing more than a failed experiment in his life, and he in mine. I hope that one day we’ll be able to be friends again, but not right now, not for a bit.

Thankfully, when you live a poly life, there is (usually) another partner there to help assuage the pain. I’m extremely lucky that I have two. Both Panzer and The Biker spent the evening consoling me, telling me how much they loved me; helping me to focus on the love I have in my life instead of the hurt. Without them I’d be a miserable wreck of a woman right now instead of simply morose. But I’ve still lost my friend – the one that helped me through prior breakups, the one who helped me see the good in those that caused me pain. That hurts me more than knowing he no longer desires me.

So, it’s time to rebuild my walls, strengthen my defenses, and hope that I don’t fall for the same tricks again. Every time I’m hurt I become more of a cynic, I become more withdrawn, I make it more difficult to see the real me. I worry that someday I won’t even know who I really am behind the public facade.

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Love and loss

Posted in Friendship with tags , , , on April 26, 2013 by michella74

The Rigger is a difficult man to figure out. That might be part of the reason that I love him.

As I’ve written prior to this, we were friends looooong before we were lovers and that has a huge bearing on our relationship. Yesterday he found out that a close friend of his chose to end her own life at some point on Monday. I was acquainted with this woman, and I’m saddened that she felt this was the only avenue left open to her, but my sense of loss is dwarfed by what he is feeling…and it’s causing me pain.

He’s struggling for several reasons. One of them I can understand, but not both, not completely. He has apparently not had much experience with death and grieving. In my 38 years, I’ve been to over a dozen funerals for both family and friends. I’ve had to deal with it quite a bit and know how to get through the pain of losing someone. Hell, one of those could have been stopped had I just pushed a little more and forced him to ride home with me. (That’s perhaps a story for another time.) The point is that I have learned how to get through this and he has not. It’s painful to witness.

The other reason is something that I can empathize with, but don’t fully understand. She was one of his models and he saw her as a little girl that needed to be protected and cared for. In other words, he saw himself as her father-figure. (He does that with almost every woman he knows.) Because of that, he’s seeing this as a failure on his part – he couldn’t save her from her demons even though he tried for years. He’s angry with the men that hurt her and let her down throughout her life, and he’s seeing himself as one of them. I can’t figure out how to get him to realize that her death is not his fault. I tried for hours tonight, and I don’t think it worked. I don’t know if his lack of exposure to death is what is causing the problem, or if it’s that he sees himself as a superhero when it comes to saving little girls.

At one point tonight, in between the two times he shed tears briefly, I asked him if he saw me as one of those girls he feels obligated to protect. Thankfully, he said no, and told me that it’s part of the reason he is with me. Again, we have a relationship that is not typical for him. It’s strange for him to be with a woman that doesn’t need him, just as it’s strange for me to be involved with a man that doesn’t need me. I can’t say that I enjoy it all the time, but there is something both refreshing and terrifying about knowing that I could tell him to leave me alone for a week and he would, without questioning why. And that is exactly why it’s so hard for me to really “get” him sometimes.

I have a small amount of very close friends that I would do anything for – no questions asked. There are less than ten. The Rigger is one of those, but he never asks for anything; not even emotional support, and that perplexes me to no end. The reason I have so few close friends is because I’m not comfortable needing people. I enjoy being self-reliant (sometimes to a fault), but on the rare occasions that I do need some additional support, I know I can turn to my close friends because I’m there for them in turn. This man would never dream of asking a friend for that, but will offer it to friends and strangers alike. It’s completely selfless and I can’t help but think it must be exhausting for him.

I’m hoping that one day, I’ll understand his lack of reliance on other people. In the meantime, I’ll just continue loving him and reminding him that, should he need me, I’m there.