Am I broken?

So this is odd.

I haven’t had a good, hard scene since July. I’ve had fingers wrapped tightly around my throat while I was being fucked. Panzer has tied me up once or twice before he had his way with me. The Biker has forced orgasm after orgasm out of me until I begged him to stop. None of this is what anyone in The Community would call a scene though – we just call it normal sex. *grin* I hadn’t really thought about it until recently, but now that it’s popped into my head, I find that I’m dwelling on it.

A year ago, I was getting a scene at least once a week. Either rope, humiliation, breath play, fear play, electrical play or canes, but now…nothing. The last scene I recall is the night Panzer and The Biker co-Topped me, made me weep, and actually use my safeword. That scene haunts me. I’ve used my safeword once, perhaps twice in all the years I’ve been playing. I’m not the heaviest masochist that I know, but I’m stubborn and I can take quite a bit of pain. That night was…different. I had asked them to make me cry, to hit me so much and so hard that I wept. They did.

But recently I can’t help but wonder if that scene broke me.

Up until this past summer, I used heavy scenes as a type of stress relief. If I was upset about something and needed to work through it, being abused was the means to an end. It was cathartic. After the scene was over, I could rebuild myself mentally as well as physically. The Biker has mentioned several times in the past couple months that he’s been craving a hard scene with me. Each time he mentions it, I’ve told him that I’m not in need of the catharsis that it provides. What I’ve realized lately however, is that I’m not being completely honest.

There is a part of me that wants it, but there is also a part of me that is, well…frightened. What if I can’t take that much pain anymore? What if I panic and safeword just a few minutes into the scene? And then, the worst fear of all…what if I don’t enjoy it anymore? Maybe I should just force myself to scene with either Panzer or The Biker (or perhaps both). I’m just not sure. What I do know is that I feel like part of me is missing. I haven’t even really felt like Topping anyone lately. Again, a year ago, I was Topping in a scene every couple weeks. It was something that I needed in order to feel sane.

In fact, that just might be the reason why I’ve felt so “off” for months. Wow…I hadn’t thought about that until just now. I’ve been having a rough time lately, feeling lost, like I’m alone. Could the lack of kink play in my life be part of the cause? This is going to require more thought. Stay tuned…

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One Response to “Am I broken?”

  1. Dear Girl….if nothing else, you know that we’re both always here, no matter for what need that you ever require.

    There’s a ton more I could say right now, but I’ll save it for private.
    For now & here I’ll just say this: Yes, I do want to be mean to you, and make you whimper and beg and even cry. But I do so in the most gloriously loving way….and in the end what I truly want to do to you is what will make you happy.
    I like being evil to you, but I *LOVE* the soft warm cuddling that comes after, when you’re happily worn out and satisfied.

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