Spice is Nice

It’s true; having Spice is so very nice.

For those of you that don’t know, I’m not talking about flavoring. In this particular context I’m using “spice” as the plural for spouse. Until recently, I had no idea of the second meaning, but it’s apparently become quite common for us polyamorous folks to use it this way.

So, why did I find this out?

Well you see, on July 8th The Biker and I exchanged rings in front of about twenty of our close friends. There was no pomp or ceremony. There was no officiant. We stood in front of our little chosen family and declared our love for each other as well as wish to remain in each other’s lives for a long time to come. It was beautiful. As you all know, we’re both legally married to other people so we’ve been through the “traditional” wedding experience. This time we were able to do whatever we wanted. We chose rings that had a special significance, we chose a setting that was beautiful, the people present were people we wanted there, the words said were meaningful and true. It was magical.

Many of the people we’ve told since then have asked us the same question: “What does that mean?” Each of them has the same look of concern and confusion cross their face, and if Panzer is present, their eyes inevitably glance at him. I can’t help but laugh when that happens. Being the smart-ass that I am, it’s difficult for me to not mess with them a little bit and announce that we’re leaving our respective spouses to live together on an island in the middle of the Pacific. So far, I’ve been able to contain myself and my standard answer has become that we married each other in our hearts since we can’t do so legally. The result of that question being asked of me so often for the past few weeks is that I’ve really spent some time thinking about what our ring exchange means for me. Obviously I’m not writing for The Biker, but I have NO doubt that he’ll share his opinion in the comments once this post is published.  *wink*

When we met nineteen months ago I had no idea what he would become to me. He was simply a sexy man wearing a kilt that happened to be at my favorite bar and happened to be a friend of one of my friends. Panzer and I were newly poly. I didn’t think this fun, flirty guy would become so important to me, but he did. He’s been there for me through ups and downs; he’s provided emotional support during some rough times; he’s made me feel loved and protected as well as caused me to feel protective towards him. I think of him when I wake in the morning and before I sleep each night. These are the EXACT same things and feelings that Panzer evokes in me. EXACTLY THE SAME. Therefore, it felt natural for me to want to make a commitment to him. No, we aren’t combining a household or making plans to retire in Mexico, but he holds a special place in my heart just as Panzer does.

For me, making a commitment to The Biker is more on an emotional level than anything else. In just the same way that I make sure to leave time in my schedule for Panzer, I now do the same thing with The Biker. I won’t cancel a date with either of them in order to spend time with someone else. I plan my week around the time I will spend with each of them. I take both their opinions into account when I’m thinking of doing something new (like the tattoo idea I’m currently tossing around). When either of them is upset or stressed about something, I’m there completely in whatever way they need me, and I can expect the same thing from either of them.

I have noticed a couple things since I married The Biker though. First, I actually feel like a newlywed. It seems strange since we’ve been together for so long already, but I know I’m letting him see more of my inner self and it feels like he’s doing the same thing. It’s like falling in love with him all over again and we’re both acting obnoxiously adorable. Second, I have had no desire to go out on any dates with anyone new. I’ve had the opportunity, but it just hasn’t appealed to me. My theory is that because we have finally reached a level of emotional intimacy that matches our physical one, I’m no longer seeking that connection with anyone – at least not right now. Who knows? Perhaps in the future one, or the both of us, will meet someone interesting, but right now, I’m completely content with my husbands.

The other thing that I’ve noticed is that Panzer seems to be reaching out to him more. I’m not sure if I just never noticed it before, or if it is a new occurrence, but it makes me smile. The Biker was so concerned about Panzer’s feelings when we began talking about the ring exchange. I think he was frightened that Panzer would feel slighted. I’ll admit that I wasn’t sure how the news would be accepted, but in true Panzer fashion, he was supportive and loving. He knows me better than anyone else and I think he saw that my love is sincere and not fleeting. He said to me recently (in somewhat different words) that he genuinely likes The Biker and is happy for my happiness. Yay for compersion!

I am somewhat sad about one thing though. (Yes, my poly life isn’t all sunshine and roses.) I still haven’t met The Biker’s wife. We’ve talked about it many times, and I understand the logistical reasons, but it still sometimes makes me uneasy. She knows how we feel about each other; she knows that he sleeps at my house at least once a week and we see each other at least three times a week; she knows that we exchanged rings, but I’ve never spoken to her. It’s strange for me. I’ve never been in a relationship like this. I know everyone Panzer has ever dated and have called quite a few of them friends. I’m sure I’ll meet her someday, but right now it still feels strange to me to NOT know her.

So my friends, what else was I wanting to tell you? Nothing really. I wanted to share my happy news with all of you. Perhaps one of you has been thinking about how to commit to a paramour. Perhaps one of you has a spouse that is going through this. Perhaps you’re just curious about my poly life. Whatever the reason you’re reading this, I hope you enjoyed it. 🙂

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4 Responses to “Spice is Nice”

  1. Well….not sure I have anything to really add. I think she put it all quite well and exactly how I feel as well.
    That’s the trick to love, isn’t it? Or one of them; to synch up the two of you feel & start to learn (or at least guess) how they other thinks/feels on things.

    There’s some things and feelings I’ll never forget. The first time I looked into her eyes. The first time she said “I love you”, even though it was “in code”. The Morning I realized that a text she sent the night before as I was falling asleep was actually a kind of proposal. Well…..you get the idea.

    One of those memories was the day after we exchanged rings, and she referred to me as “husband” the first time. I felt quite surreal and giddy at the same time. It still makes me feel giddy, as does calling her Wife.
    As she said about me, I feel about her. I think about her as I doze off to sleep, and when I wake up in the morning.

    And yes, I did and still do worry about Panzer’s feelings regarding this all. Call it a matter of respect, as well as friendship. He’s a wonderful guy and in my eyes a slight to/against him (even if unintended) is a slight to/against her love and respect for him.
    If I *weren’t* to worry over that, I wouldn’t deserve her in the first place.

    And that’s my primary goal: To make sure she knows I love her as much as she loves me, and prove….to myself if nothing else….that I deserve that love.

  2. I just read this (shit is it 4 months ago??) I’m sorry. 😦

    I had no idea. Obviously I am far too insulated in my own life. Sometimes it makes me sad, not to know a thing about the people I call “friends.” It’s lovely though, congrats to you both.

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