Do I scare you? Good.

I can be physically intimidating. I admit it. I’m 5’9″. I have an abundance of curves in the right places. I have a relatively deep voice for a woman. I wear Rockabilly makeup and I’m often in 3″-5″ heels when I’m out on the town. My left arm has a 3/4 sleeve and my upper right arm is covered by a tattoo of a woman in bondage. I have facial piercings and half of my bangs have been bleached from a chestnut brown to blonde. Many people find me intimidating, but I really don’t think it has much to do with my appearance.

I consider myself somewhat of an introvert. Although I’m perfectly happy to sit at a bar all night with a group of friends, I’m usually the quiet one. I enjoy observing people. I listen to what they’re saying, watch how their bodies move, and how they interact with everyone else. Many times, people don’t realize that I’ve been observing them for hours. There’s something satisfying about being able to tell when someone is stretching the truth or if I’ll be able to silence them with a look or sometimes, just being able to tell who needs to be pulled aside and asked if they’re doing ok. I don’t claim to be all-knowing when it comes to judging character, but given the time to observe someone, I can get a good feel for them. I guess that can make me somewhat intimidating to some people, but I try to use my powers for good.

So why am I writing about this?
Well you see, Panzer and I were talking the other night about kink (shocking, eh) and we got on the subject of my Topping style. Yes, the word intimidating came up again. I believe it was right after I said something about not needing other people’s pain, but craving the sight of tears falling from beautiful eyes. Panzer just sort of looked at me, then he laughed and told me that I’m frightening. The best (worst) part about that statement is that I wasn’t really even thinking about what I was saying – it just popped out. I guess sometimes even I forget how scary the thoughts in my head can be. I decided to write about it and try to figure out why that particular word is used about me so often.

When The Cop and I were dating there was a night that I was in a bit of a frenzy. At that point in time, I didn’t have any partners that I Topped and I was feeling particularly sadistic that evening. We were standing in a parking lot next to my car and he was on duty. I remember commenting to him that I wanted nothing more than to feel flesh between my teeth and blood running down my chin. FSM bless him, he put his forearm in my mouth and told me to “go ahead”. I don’t really remember the bite, but I know he had to forcibly remove his arm from my teeth. What I do remember is the look of fear and awe in the eyes of the uniformed officer standing in front of me, and to this day, it makes me wet.

Gothboy told me more than once that I frightened him. He was relatively new to kink when we started dating. Well, that’s not completely true. He’d never had an experienced partner and was surprised by some of the things that I enjoy. The first night I told him to wrap his hand around my throat while he fucked me, he looked scared, but he did it. When I asked him to throw me around and be as rough as he could, again, there was fear there, but after a few moments, he was enjoying himself as much as I was. But after we ended our relationship and actually started talking, he told me that I was, yep, intimidating.

After The Rigger and I started dating and I was able to start regularly exploring the Top side of myself, I began to gain a greater understanding of what it is about me that scares people. My theory is this: I know and accept who I am. I’m a strong woman and I’m not afraid to be honest with people. I know what I enjoy and what I don’t. Commanding someone to hurt me, or commanding them to take the pain I give them doesn’t frighten me. And in both situations, the amount of pain is significantly higher than most people enjoy. If I think that someone is being treated unfairly, or treating someone else unfairly, I’ll say so. I think all that, more than how I look, is why so many people are intimidated. And to be honest, I’m completely fine with that.

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