Archive for April, 2013

Why Poly?

Posted in Kink, Polyamory with tags , , on April 27, 2013 by michella74

Panzer and I have been asked on numerous occasions why, after almost 14 years of monogamy, we decided to change the dynamic of our marriage. We usually chuckle a bit. It’s a long story, like almost everything else about our life together.

Panzer was the first man that I was successfully monogamous with for more than a year. Prior to that, I usually didn’t make it past a month or two. I would always develop a crush on someone and end up cheating on whoever I was dating at the time. Panzer had a better track record, but his first marriage did end because he cheated. We just couldn’t help ourselves, I guess. (And before you think it…no, we did not become poly because one of us cheated.)

When I met him, I knew I was in love immediately. And yes, I was dating someone at the time, as was he. Within a few weeks, we’d both ended our other relationships and he proposed two weeks after we started dating. Six months later, we bought a house, and a year later, we were married. About 5 years into our marriage, our sex-life was non-existent. Ok, we might have had sex every few months, but for both of us, that wasn’t enough. His arm was getting over-developed and I was spending too much money on vibrators. Our options were divorce or try seeing a therapist. Neither of us wanted divorce because we really do love each other, so we opted for therapy. It was, hands-down, the best thing we’ve ever done for our relationship. We spent six months learning how to REALLY talk to each other, openly and honestly. It was amazing. In fact, without that ability, polyamory doesn’t work at all.

Things got good again. Our sex life was back to our “normal” five times a week average. We were really talking to each other. It was wonderful, but something was still missing. It took another few years for us to figure it out. We’d always had a kinky relationship; bondage and spanking were common activities. However, neither of us had ever truly opened up to the other about exactly what kink got us hot. So, roughly 8 years into our relationship, we finally started talking about what we really wanted in bed.

It turned out that Panzer had never talked about it because he was afraid of what I’d think of him. He couldn’t figure out how to tell his wife that he wanted to beat her with a riding crop until she cried. Men didn’t do things like that to the women they claimed to love. I’d never mentioned anything because the after-effects of being raised Catholic were still buried deep inside me and I felt ashamed. I couldn’t admit to my husband that I wanted him to fuck me, choke me and call me a whore. What kind of a woman actually *wants* that? Looking back on it now, it seems ludicrous.

After talking about it and feeling each other out, we decided to start trying new things, and made the decision to become active in our local kink community. That decision is what changed our lives. Within a few months of joining the community, we’d met so many other “kinksters” that neither of us felt ashamed of what we enjoyed anymore. It was okay to enjoy these things. We reveled in trying new things together to see if they turned us on; some did, some didn’t. And occasionally, an activity would work for one of us, but not the other.

And that, my friends, is what led us to discussing polyamory. It was roughly three years ago. We had gone to a national convention for Shibari enthusiasts. (Shibari, or Kinbaku, is the art of rope bondage.) We’d discovered that Panzer loved tying me up and I loved being tied up. During the five-hour drive home, we started talking about having “scenes” with other people. A scene does not necessarily include sexual conduct. It’s quite common in the kink community for people to scene with friends or new acquaintances and do nothing sexual. Well, we began discussing it. Both of us agreed that a scene with someone else would be okay. But then we started discussing it more in depth.

We’re kinky – fetishes are sexual, even if there is no intercourse. Having a knife held to my throat gets me wet. Spanking a woman’s ass gets Panzer hard. Neither of these are sex acts, but they are sexual kinks for us. So, we began discussing how we’d feel about one of us taking part in a scene with someone else where some of these kinks were indulged. We discussed it for months. It was exhausting, but we needed to be sure that every concern had been addressed. And while we were talking about that, we also talked about how we felt about each other. We both needed to be 100% secure in our relationship. Without that, the chances of a marriage surviving are slim. We read books, we talked to other poly people that we knew. We went to meetings. We talked, and talked, and talked, and talked…and then talked some more.

And then one day, we decided to give it a try. There was one condition: either partner could stop it at any time if it got too difficult. But you know what? It’s been almost two years and our ability to communicate with each other has gotten us over every speed bump we’ve hit. Communication, scheduling, and being able to tell the difference between jealousy and envy are the three most important skills to have when you’re poly. So far, Panzer and I are doing well. I love him more now than I ever thought possible. He is still the man I’ll grow old with. There might just be a few more people in rocking chairs on the porch with us now.

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Love and loss

Posted in Friendship with tags , , , on April 26, 2013 by michella74

The Rigger is a difficult man to figure out. That might be part of the reason that I love him.

As I’ve written prior to this, we were friends looooong before we were lovers and that has a huge bearing on our relationship. Yesterday he found out that a close friend of his chose to end her own life at some point on Monday. I was acquainted with this woman, and I’m saddened that she felt this was the only avenue left open to her, but my sense of loss is dwarfed by what he is feeling…and it’s causing me pain.

He’s struggling for several reasons. One of them I can understand, but not both, not completely. He has apparently not had much experience with death and grieving. In my 38 years, I’ve been to over a dozen funerals for both family and friends. I’ve had to deal with it quite a bit and know how to get through the pain of losing someone. Hell, one of those could have been stopped had I just pushed a little more and forced him to ride home with me. (That’s perhaps a story for another time.) The point is that I have learned how to get through this and he has not. It’s painful to witness.

The other reason is something that I can empathize with, but don’t fully understand. She was one of his models and he saw her as a little girl that needed to be protected and cared for. In other words, he saw himself as her father-figure. (He does that with almost every woman he knows.) Because of that, he’s seeing this as a failure on his part – he couldn’t save her from her demons even though he tried for years. He’s angry with the men that hurt her and let her down throughout her life, and he’s seeing himself as one of them. I can’t figure out how to get him to realize that her death is not his fault. I tried for hours tonight, and I don’t think it worked. I don’t know if his lack of exposure to death is what is causing the problem, or if it’s that he sees himself as a superhero when it comes to saving little girls.

At one point tonight, in between the two times he shed tears briefly, I asked him if he saw me as one of those girls he feels obligated to protect. Thankfully, he said no, and told me that it’s part of the reason he is with me. Again, we have a relationship that is not typical for him. It’s strange for him to be with a woman that doesn’t need him, just as it’s strange for me to be involved with a man that doesn’t need me. I can’t say that I enjoy it all the time, but there is something both refreshing and terrifying about knowing that I could tell him to leave me alone for a week and he would, without questioning why. And that is exactly why it’s so hard for me to really “get” him sometimes.

I have a small amount of very close friends that I would do anything for – no questions asked. There are less than ten. The Rigger is one of those, but he never asks for anything; not even emotional support, and that perplexes me to no end. The reason I have so few close friends is because I’m not comfortable needing people. I enjoy being self-reliant (sometimes to a fault), but on the rare occasions that I do need some additional support, I know I can turn to my close friends because I’m there for them in turn. This man would never dream of asking a friend for that, but will offer it to friends and strangers alike. It’s completely selfless and I can’t help but think it must be exhausting for him.

I’m hoping that one day, I’ll understand his lack of reliance on other people. In the meantime, I’ll just continue loving him and reminding him that, should he need me, I’m there.

Yes, we have a chart.

Posted in Polyamory with tags , on April 23, 2013 by michella74
Does this help?

Does this help?

I created this chart of our poly family a little while ago at the urging of another poly friend of ours. His family is the same size as mine, but they have several 24/7 Master/slave relationships as well as triads, so their chart is much more complicated. Usually, I wouldn’t include an Ex, but since I mention them in posts, I thought it might make things clearer.

When I created the chart, I was surprised at how complicated it appeared. Everything seems so easy in my head. But looking at it as an outsider, I can understand why people give us strange looks when we attempt to explain it. I’ve become very fond of saying, “If this were an easy way to live, everyone would do it.”

Just your typical Monday night…

Posted in Polyamory with tags , on April 23, 2013 by michella74

Ok, so typical for me.

Every Monday I hang out at a local bar about 5 minutes from my house with several of my employees and friends. Sounds quite normal on the surface. Well….not so much.

The earliest I’ve ever arrived is 9:30, but 10:15 is more the “standard”. It’s a 3am bar frequented by many of the local kinksters and poly folk. The music is always good, it’s rare to see someone that no one at the bar knows, and the bartenders know how to take care of their customers. My group of friends and I are there often enough that we have a table with our name on it. Ok, technically it’s a play on the name of my restaurant, but it’s OUR table. On average, our group consists of about 15 people – sometimes more, sometimes less – and we all just sit around bullshitting, talking about kink, and having a good time. Tonight was no different.

I was there with Panzer and The Biker. The Rigger decided to stay home and handcuff himself to his bed for an hour. (He enjoys self-bondage.) Panzer’s girlfriend was there as well, along with a couple of our employees and the boyfriends of one of my employees. (Yes, I’m poly and I hang out with other poly people.) It was a relatively low-key night since several of us had been out drinking last night.

At one point, while The Biker was flirting with another bar regular, I decided to check my phone and see if I’d missed anything important. And that’s when the insanity of my life hit me. I had text messages from Panzer (who’d left already), The Rigger, The Submissive, and The Cop. The Submissive is a woman that I have some interest in, but don’t know that I have time for. The Cop is a man I dated for a few months last year. We’re still friends and talk often. While I was answering those texts, I got a notification of a new Facebook message from another ex – GothBoy.

So, for about 30 minutes tonight, I was chatting with my husband, one of my boyfriends, two of my ex lovers, and a possible new lover…all while having The Biker’s arms wrapped around me. Some people would call this surreal, but for me, it’s become day-to-day life. I’ve almost reached a point of being shocked when I hear that someone only has ONE significant other. Monogamy just seems crazy and so…kinky.

Poly-what?

Posted in Kink, Polyamory with tags , , , on April 23, 2013 by michella74

I’m polyamorous.

What does that mean? Do you want the long version or the short one?

The short version is that my husband, whom I love dearly and will be with until I die, dates other women and I date other people as well. Currently, he has one girlfriend and I have two boyfriends. I can’t speak for my husband (I’ll call him Panzer), but I can say that I am in love with both of my other partners and want them in my life for the forseeable future.

If you’re satisfied with that explanation, feel free to stop reading. If you’d like the longer version, keep going. Maybe I’ll put up a chart one day.

I’ve been with one man since January 2012 – I’ll call him The Biker. We met at our favorite bar, about two hours before he turned 40. When I walked in that night, I saw a clean-cut man talking to a friend of mine. He was wearing a kilt and had beautiful legs. I couldn’t help but making damn sure I bumped into my friend. She introduced us and his smile drew me in immediately. We talked for a minute and then I made my way back to the table where my other friends had settled. I noticed that every time he walked to the restroom he would pause, smile, and say hello. Then at midnight, the sound of a paddle got my attention. I looked up at the stage and realized that he was not only receiving his birthday spankings, he was enjoying them. I remember thinking, “Oh dear god, he’s kinky too.” When I got home that night I told Panzer about him. He laughed a bit and mentioned that this guy sounded like he might be the good kind of trouble. The very next week I was sitting with Panzer waiting for a date. That man never appeared, but The Biker did. When he saw me, he grinned and walked to our table and sat down next to me. It was bold and irresistible. I made introductions and mentioned to Panzer that this was the man who got my attention with his birthday spankings. The Biker smiled and said that he’d hoped it had. We’ve been dating ever since.

The Biker is married, with two teenaged children. He and his wife have a slightly different arrangement than Panzer and I. They consider their marriage “open”, meaning that his wife doesn’t usually meet the women he dates, whereas Panzer and I consider all our partners part of our family. It’s quite common for all of us to sit at a bar drinking and laughing together. Recently, The Biker told me that he’s started referring to himself as Poly. I was a bit shocked by this declaration and had to ask him what had changed. Apparently, for the first time since they opened their marriage, he’s had no interest in being with anyone but his wife and me. He told me that he felt fulfilled by the relationships with the two of us and didn’t think he needed anyone else in his life. I love that he can shock me after over a year together. Until he told me that, I wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about me. I knew that he found me attractive and that he enjoyed “showing me off” at the biker bars, but at that moment I was positive of the love he’d been professing that he felt.

My other relationship began in December 2012. Well, I guess it began two and a half years before that when we met, but our romantic involvement is only 4 months old. When I met The Rigger I crushed on him HARD. (For any of you that don’t know, a rigger is a name that we kinky folks use for someone that knows how to tie rope used for bondage.) We’ve been friends for years and up until late last year, he was monogamous. He had helped me through two pretty heart-wrenching breakups in 2012 and I was having a difficult time not developing strong feelings for him. You see, along with being a skilled rigger, he’s a poet, a photographer, and quite handsome in a rugged way. In other words, he’s everything I look for in a man: brains and brawn. When he confided in me that he and his girlfriend had decided to give poly a chance, I couldn’t help but tell him about the crush I’d had on him for years. He was shocked – genuinely shocked. And to my dismay, his initial reaction was to tell me that he couldn’t date me because I wasn’t crazy. A month later, during one of our daily marathon text conversations, he announced that we were going to go on a date…that night. It was awkward (and wonderful) because we couldn’t figure out how to act around each other. But we muddled through it, and he kissed me when he walked me to my car. Four months later, I know now why he was so surprised; he didn’t think that a sane woman could ever be attracted to him. He’s such a silly boy.

The Rigger isn’t married, but he did start dating another woman about two months into our relationship. The one thing that I wish he’d done differently was to talk to me about his feelings for her prior to asking her out. At the time, I still wasn’t 100% secure in our relationship, so adding another woman to the equation made me nervous. He’s never been poly before and for him, trying to figure out how to make sure that neither of us feels neglected is a challenge. We’re still working through some issues, but I think in our case, our prior friendship is a benefit. We aren’t afraid to call “bullshit” on each other.

Too long of a story to write about

Posted in Vague with tags , on April 20, 2013 by michella74

Why do people spend so much time dedicated to making other people unhappy? Too many people try to bring others down when they themselves are having troubles? Why can’t we just be happy for the good times?

How did I get here?

Posted in Kink, Memories on April 11, 2013 by michella74

I’ve been kinky since I can remember. I don’t recall what led to my discovery of masturbation, but I know that I was only 4 or 5 years old. There weren’t any kids in my neighborhood so I played imagination games quite often. One of my favorites was pretending I’d been kidnapped by pirates and was tied to a chair while they all stood around me and watched me play with myself. I’d protest that I couldn’t, that I was a good girl, that I didn’t do things like that; but every time I’d end up with my hand between my legs, working my small clitoris furiously until that strange tickling feeling overcame me. I didn’t know what it was that I was doing, but I knew that when I was caught by my parents, I’d get into trouble.

In first grade, I would get into trouble at school for masturbating while I was supposed to be doing my phonics lessons. I sometimes wonder if I’m the only person in the world that was that excited about learning how to read. *grin* That same year, I taught my best friend how to “tickle herself”. It was such a cool feeling that I had to share it with someone. We would have contests to see who could tickle themselves the fastest. We would tell stories to each other the whole time and her tales never involved being kidnapped or tied up or spanked. Mine always did.

When I was seventeen I discovered vampire erotica. I would stay awake all night reading about the delicious pain of being found and devoured by a vampire. The descriptions of the sublime pain of the bite and the warmth and flavor of the blood had new effects on me. The idea of having my blood slowly drained from my body by a beautiful man or woman would get me so worked up that I’d make myself raw. I still had no idea that not everyone found the idea as enticing as I did, but I was starting to wonder about my tastes.

At twenty-one I had my first actual bondage experience. I was dating an extremely “vanilla” boy that never did anything forceful or kinky to me, but we had discussed our fantasies at one point. Bless his heart, he attacked me one day. I ended up tied to his bed and he fucked me while calling me a whore. There was no traditional foreplay, there was no concern for my enjoyment at all. He used my body to get off. It was one of the most fulfilling experiences I’d ever had. Sadly, when we talked about it the next day, he told me that he hadn’t enjoyed it all, and never wanted to do anything like that again. A few months later, even though we’d been together for over a year and loved each other, the relationship ended. It was just too difficult to accept that I’d never have an experience like that again.

I spent a few months drifting, trying to figure out what I wanted. I found a few “fuck buddies” that were willing to be more rough with me than they were comfortable with because they knew I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t really their “thing”. Then I met the one that not only enjoyed it, but got off on it. He wasn’t only willing to indulge my fantasies, he wanted to share them. I spent more time in bondage than out of it when I was at his home. However, that was really the only thing I enjoyed about him. He was quite awful otherwise.

Then I met the man I’d eventually marry. Fast forward 15 years, and here I am. He’s still my husband and we both have other relationships that we’re involved in as well. But the story of how that came about shall be saved for another time.